Memories
by Queen of Leaves
Summary: Chakotay doesn't realize how much he needs Kathryn until she is gone. My first fic. Chapter 8 is up and this story is done! Thanks so much for waiting!
1. Early memories

Memories  
  
Ch. 1  
  
Disclaimer: I Don't own anything star trek, unless u count my card collection. My thoughts, views, and emotions expressed in this story do not reflect the views of Paramount Studios or any employees there. Thank you, now that is over.  
  
Kathryn Janeway gazed out of the viewscreen at the swirling planetoid that grew steadily closer to the shuttle. Her eyes reflected the light of the system's binary suns that lit both sides of the planet continuously. It pained Janeway to see this planet, for in so many ways it resembled Earth, her home. Large swells of blue spread across the sphere, occasionally split by the jagged thrust of land into the crystalline waters. She could see clouds that circled over the lands, rotating lazily and casting shadows miles wide across the rolling hills. Janeway's momentary fascination with the planetoid was shattered by the beep of her console. She could feel Tuvok's eyes boring holes into her, determined to unravel this.this puzzle. Puzzling was the best way Tuvok could phrase it. Tuvok noticed the difference in the captain the minute she had stepped onto the bridge, Chakotay close behind her. She seemed happier somehow, as if she held some small secret inside of her that Tuvok could never truly understand. But Tuvok had unconsciously given up on trying to understand the complex woman he was watching. It confused him, as much as he disliked admitting it. But if the captain was happy, then so was Tuvok. Metaphorically speaking, of course.  
  
Janeway began the standard orbiting procedures, bringing the shuttle to a slow deacceleration around the planet. It was even more beautiful than Janeway remembered, Janeway recalled, surprised for she had seen the planet but a few seconds ago. Once the shuttlecraft had locked into a steady orbit, Janeway swiveled in her chair to face Tuvok. "Ready to go?" she quipped?  
  
Tuvok raised one eyebrow in response.  
  
Janeway smiled. "I'll take that as a yes. Open the deflector dish." Tuvok moved to comply, but frowned peering at his console. "Captain, a ship has just dropped out of warp. It is charging weapons."  
  
Tuvok's report was cut off as a phaser blast sent the shuttle careening out of orbit.  
  
Tuvok struggled to maintain control of his console. "Shields are down to 73% and we've lost helm control." Janeway pulled herself to her station. "Open a channel" she snapped. "This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Shuttlecraft Zephryn. We mean you no harm. Cease your attack."  
  
Tuvok watched his station. "No response."  
  
Janeway blew a loose strand of long auburn hair out of her face. The shuttlecraft shook as it was barraged by another volley of attacks by the ship.  
  
Janeway tapped the flat keys of the console.  
  
"Send then to Voyager on all frequencies. With any luck, they will receive it and make it here in time." An explosion of a console next to her cut off her previous statement. "Tuvok, target their weapons device and fire."  
  
Tuvok complied, tapping in commands faster than humanly possible. He was a Vulcan, however. "No effect. Their shielding devices are clearly superior to ours."  
  
Janeway grimaced. She had never liked admitting defeat. "Well, then I guess we have to fun. Set a course for Voyager at the highest warp speed we can manage."  
  
"Engaging warp engines." came Tuvok's stoic reply.  
  
Janeway braced herself for the jump to warp, but it never came. Instead, she found herself being thrown against the viewscreen as a tractorbeam caught onto the ship. Janeway was vaguely aware of Tuvok shouting that shields were down and the distinctive sounds of phasers being fired. Images blurred together as warm red blood dripped into her eyes and then her world collapsed into darkness.  
  
K, thanks and please read and review. This is my first fic and I love feedback. 


	2. Early Memories II

Memories Ch. 2  
  
Disclaimer: Yes, I still do not own any of the characters in Star Trek. Maybe I should just cut and paste this disclaimer.hmm.  
  
Note from me: As an author, I hope you enjoy my story. I would really appreciate feedback (flames are welcome, but go easy on total burnination () so feel free to email me at wasbeamedup@aol.com. I welcome your input. Thank you and enjoy. Thank you Helen and Amachan and Nicchan for reviewing!!!  
  
Chakotay stood on the brightly lit bridge of Voyager, hands clasped behind his back. A frown shadowed his tan face and his look of concentration distorted the tattoo on his forehead. Deep in his heart he knew something was wrong. He glanced up at Harry Kim, who shook his head remorsefully. "I don't understand sir. The away team was supposed to check in three hours ago and meet us here."  
  
Chakotay sighed. "I'm aware of that Harry." Chakotay sat in the command chair, the chair ironically dubbed "the Big Chair" although it fit her captain perfectly. "Play the distress call again Harry." Chakotay said, resting his head on his hand as if he could no longer bear its weight. Harry tapped his console and a few seconds later, the captain's face appeared on the viewscreen. She was quite a sight. Her uniform was singed and loose strands of hair had fallen out of the bun of top of her head and framed her bloody face. Smoke billowed behind her and Chakotay could hear the computer's warnings about life support failing.  
  
Janeway's voice echoed around the silent bridge. "Voyager.we need emergency transport. We've been attacked by an alien ship.I'm sending you the coordinates.Please come." Whatever Janeway was about to say was cut off by the appearance of an alien, the sounds of phaser fire, and then the screen went dark. Chakotay sighed again.  
  
Tom Paris looked over his shoulder at Chakotay. "I don't think it's going to do us any good if we just sit here and replay the message. We need to get out there and find them." Chakotay sat wordless, and then turned back to Harry. "Freeze the image when the alien first beamed aboard." Harry complied. Chakotay frowned at the image. "Isolate grid 136 and magnify."  
  
The image of the alien's hand magnified. Chakotay cocked his head. "Can you clear it up any more Harry? Harry blew a little air out from between his lips. "I can try sir, but the image is grainy." Harry looked up. "That's the best I can do." Tom turned in his chair to face Chakotay. "Is there any particular reason why thee alien's hand is so important?"  
  
The ghost of a smile flickered across Chakotay's face. "It's not the hand Tom, it's what's in it." Tom looked puzzled as he swung back around to face the viewscreen. In the aliens hand was a weapon, its long fingers curled tightly around it. "Send out a message on all frequencies and bandwidths. Ask them if they recognize this weapon and who uses it. In the meantime, begin long range scans for any debris from the shuttle. We may be able to find them." Chakotay leaned back a little in the Big Chair. He might just find them after all, but until he did, Chakotay knew he could not rest easy. "I know you're out there somewhere Kathryn." He thought to himself. "I'll find you." Chakotay then leaned back in the chair, content to let all of his thoughts be pulled into the deep blackness he saw ahead of him.  
  
Sorry the chapter is so short. I promise I will post two or more tomorrow. As usual, please read and review. Thanks! 


	3. Flashback

Memories Ch. 3  
  
Disclaimer: Hey guess what? I now own Star Trek and never have to write any more disclaimers. HAHAHAHHA.*wakes up* oh darn.well, you know the drill.I own nothing.sniffles.except this story.and a water bottle.  
  
Although the bridge was silent, an air of certain urgency lingered over the heads of the crew. Everyone knew, whether they realized it or not, that they each had their own small role in recovering the captain and her chief of security. Each one of them worked in silence, making only the occasional comment of ideas, which were quickly shot down before they even reached the bridge. The ship was silent.all that could be heard was the gentle hum of the warp core, its blue flames pressing against the shields that surrounded it as if trying to escape its prison. But at the moment, the warp core was being monitored by B'Elanna Torres.  
  
Her eyes glared at the screen as she watched the diagnostic results fly across the screen. Thankfully, the warp core was in good health, but they still could find no trace of the shuttlecraft. "  
  
Dammit!" she yelled, her curse echoing through the sober Engineering. Wiping a little sweat from her brow, B'Elanna looked up. Dozens of faces were turned her way, each with the same frozen expression of wide eyes and O's for mouths. B'Elanna glared each face, which in turn returned to its previous task. B'Elanna angrily slapped her commbadge.  
  
"Torres to Bridge." Chakotay's tense voice rang out over the floors of Engineering. "I hope you found something Lieutenant. I could use some good news right about now." B'Elanna sighed. "We can't find anything down here. I've given everything we have to the sensor sweeps and we still can't find anything." Chakotay rubbed his temple. "Let me know if you find anything. Chakotay out." He said, leaving a very annoyed B'Elanna on the other end of the commline.  
  
Chakotay leaned back in the command chair. The news that he had received from B'Elanna had not been promising. Not only could they find no trace of the shuttle, there was no trace of a warp trail, hull fragments, debris.nothing.that worried Chakotay. Chakotay was not the type of man to throw his whole heart into something or someone at first glance, but it had been different with Kathryn. With Kathryn, he had felt an unspoken understanding, a sort of deep mutual respect. She was someone he could rely on, he had sensed that immediately about her, even if it took him a while to believe it. Here was a woman who could accept him, if not truly understand him. This was a woman who would love him unconditionally.Chakotay laughed at himself inside his head.he remembered how for so many years he had panged for Kathryn. He wanted to be the one who woke up beside her every morning. He wanted to be her confidant, her friend. He, he would admit to himself that he wanted to be her lover.  
  
Chakotay's gaze drifted over to the doors of her Ready Room. Chakotay almost expected them to slide open to reveal a captain who was ready for business. Chakotay stood, leaving the bridge to Tom and entered the Ready Room. The scent of her hit Chakotay almost immediately. He could smell the lingering scent of day-old coffee, mixed with that perfume she always wore.  
  
And there she was, sitting at her desk, looking up at him expectantly. "Commander." She stated, a hint of curiosity laced the edges of her voice. Chakotay smiled at her as he stopped just short of her desk. "Do I have to have a reason for visiting my favorite captain?" Kathryn gave him an amused smile.  
  
"Last time I checked, I was the only captain on this ship unless there's something you're not telling me." She eyed him teasingly. "I was just wondering if there is anything you would like taken care of while you are away." Kathryn stood. "There is just a small list." She slid a PADD across the desk. Chakotay read it incredulously. "Small.list?" Kathryn moved to lean on the front of her desk. "I came up with a few extra things."  
  
Half an hour later, they were seated on the couch facing the window in her Ready Room, still going over the list. "Oh, and check with Engineering and see if they have fixed that problem with the microfractures in the hull plating." Chakotay sighed, exasperated. "Kathryn, I've been a captain before. I think I can handle a ship for a few days. Don't worry." Kathryn smiled sheepishly. "I guess I am being a little overprotective." A small silence settled between them, until Kathryn broke it. "Oh and don't for-." Chakotay cut her off by placing a finger over her lips. Kathryn looked surprised, then smiled under his finger. They stayed that way for quite some time until Chakotay moved his hand to cup her face and dipped his face to kiss her.  
  
It was a soft, gentle kiss. Their lips parted and Kathryn found herself staring deep into Chakotay's dark eyes. Kathryn could get lost in those eyes. She slid her hand behind his head and returned his kiss. In that kiss, Kathryn could feel every wall she had built up against Chakotay, her emotions, those dimples! come tumbling down. Some small part of her mind screamed for her to end the kiss, but she didn't want it to end. This kiss continue until. "Tuvok to Captain Janeway." The spell was broken. Kathryn pulled back, feeling herself instantly become the captain again. "Go ahead." She replied. "We have reached the outskirts of the asteroid field and the shuttle is prepared for launch." Janeway nodded approvingly. "On my way." She stood and Chakotay followed. Janeway smiled at him and Chakotay returned the smile. As she turned to exit her ready room to the bridge, Chakotay found himself amused at the fact that her step wasn't as steady as it usually was, and smiled at his effect on her.  
  
Phew! Okay, my 1st kissing scene. I would really love to hear what you thought. Not too bad, I hope. Well, please read and review. I made this chapter a bit longer, and I'll try to post something tomorrow even though it is Thanksgiving. I know what I'm thankful for.hehe.dimples.sooo anyway, it might take me a while because I am also working on an alternate timeline for Voyager that includes children, a new character, and the Borg! So.Hypothetical question: If Janeway had a daughter, what would she name her? I'd really like an answer for that, so let me know. Email me at : wasbeamedup@aol.com and Happy Thanksgiving! 


	4. Fearful Conscience

Memories CH.4  
  
Disclaimer: Yeah yeah, no owning of the Star Trek and such. I wish I did, but alas, I am but a mere pawn in the game. Oh c'mon and read the disclaimer in ch.1. It's sincere. Lol. K, enjoy. BTW, check out the insignias. I got bored last night. Lol.  
  
The fog of well-being and contentment that surrounded had surrounded Chakotay evaporated immediately. He glanced around the bridge, confused. The memory had seemed so real, but soon the happiness he had wrapped around himself had dissipated and Chakotay suddenly realized, as he looked out the viewscreen, how cold it was in space.  
  
=/\=  
  
Harry stared at his console in dismay. "Nothing in grid 134" he said, trying his best to keep his voice steady. "Chakotay nodded. "Proceed to grid 135." He said neutrally. Harry envied the commander for his emotional detachment in this situation. The commander was always calm and he never showed his feelings on the bridge. Harry knew that any emotional attachment could impede decisions, and that could not be allowed. Harry was grateful for that emotional fortitude. Normally he relied on Tuvok for that but Tuvok-.He was doing it again. He definitely had a lot more work to do.  
  
=/\=  
  
The ensign manning tactical frowned at her screen as a moment later, the ship shook with the force of the phaser blast that fired upon it. "A ship has just decloaked off of our starboard end. Chakotay clung tightly to his chair to avoid being thrown out. "Target weapons and return fire!" he cried. "Harry, hail them!" Harry tapped the necessary buttons, but the ship did not respond. "Tom, can you turn us around?" Chakotay asked. Tom frantically struggled to maintain power over the helm. "There's not much I can do. That ship is enormous." Chakotay finally got a good look at the ship in the viewscreen. It was truly massive, looking more like a spacestation than a ship and it was clearly armed to the teeth. "Arm torpedoes. Full spread. Fire on my mark." Chakotay stared at the screen. "Ready?"  
  
Harry blanched when he saw the readings on his screen. "Sir, don't fire! The shuttle's out there. 30, 000 kilometers off of the alien's port. It doesn't have shields, and it's drifting." Chakotay stood. "Hold torpedoes." Tom, we need to get closer. Tom grimaced. "I don't know how. I can't get us around that thing." Chakotay rubbed his tattoo. "Open a channel." Harry looked up. "Channel open sir." Chakotay stared at the screen. "This is Commander Chakotay of the Starship Voyager. We have comrades in that shuttle and we need to retrieve them." The screen flickered to life and a face Chakotay could honestly call horrifying crossed the screen. Its face was brown and covered in rows of spikes that protruded at different angles. It grinned a wicked smile at Chakotay before speaking. "Your shuttlecraft and everything on it are now property of the Xxnie government. You invaded our space!" Chakotay opened his mouth to reply but the alien cut him off. "You have one minute to relay all information in your databanks concerning this sector." An idea formed in the back of Chakotay's mind. "We would gladly relay you any information we have, but.our transmitter has been damaged in your attack. We can't send anything but hails. Allow us to send a probe with the data. We'll need five minutes, that's all." The alien narrowed its eyes. "You have three." It spat and cut the channel.  
  
Immediately, Chakotay hailed Engineering. "B'Elanna, I need you to rig a probe with antimatter explosives and I need it to detonate from the ship." B'Elanna complied, not even questioning his motives." Chakotay turned to the young ensign manning ht station. "As soon as the probe is released, I need you to target it with phasers. When I give the signal, fire on the probe. We can't afford to miss." The ensign swallowed nervously. "Aye sir." Chakotay slapped his commbadge. "B'Elanna, is that probe ready yet?" B'Elanna stood hunched over her main station. "It's ready to launch." Chakotay nodded his approval. "Relay control of the probe to Ops." Harry looked up. Chakotay nodded at him "You know what to do."  
  
"They're hailing us." The alien's repulsive face appeared on the viewscreen. "Your three minutes is up." Chakotay glanced over his shoulder at Harry. "Launch the probe." The sound of the probe being launched echoed through the now silent bridge. The tactical ensign looked up. Chakotay shook his head. "Wait."he told himself.a tractor beam from the ship caught onto the probe. "Now!" Chakotay yelled. Voyager fired and the screen went blank. Then the probe exploded in a blinding, white flash of antimatter. The shockwave hit Voyager hard, sending officers flying. Chakotay landed hard on the carpeted floor and felt something in his arm snap. "The alien's shields are down. I detect 2 commbadge signals." Chakotay tapped his commbadge with his good arm. "Transporter room, get a lock on the commbadge signals and beam them out of there." HE waited, holing his breath. "We've got them sir." Came the reply. "Tom?" Tom slid his fingers over the controls. "Already on it." Chakotay felt the warp nacelles buckle and then the jump to warp came. He glanced around the bridge. Ensigns had their hands over various cuts and bruises; even Chakotay cradled his injured arm tenderly. Tom winced once he saw the odd angle of Chakotay's arm. "You better get down to Sickbay." He said. Chakotay left him the bridge and stepped over debris to the turbolift. "Sickbay."  
  
=/\=  
  
Chakotay stepped inside the brightly lit sickbay and suddenly felt his heart constrict. Kathryn was laying on a biobed and from here; Chakotay could see she didn't look good. "Kathryn." he murmured and stood fixated at his spot until the doctor came and forced his to a biobed.  
  
Phew! Okay then.hope that wasn't too bad. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I know I did. So.as usual please read and review and I would still appreciate any name entries for Kathryn's daughter. (See previous chapter) I might not be able to update as much these next weeks because I am going to my mother's house, but when I do update, it will be in big groups, I promise. Thank you so much.and see ya next chapter. 


	5. Awakening

Memories Ch. 5  
  
Disclaimer: Yah, I still own nothing but a water bottle..so..yah.my 5th disclaimer and I already hate them.so read on!  
  
Chakotay sat up on the biobed and rubbed his stiff arm. "You'll be sore for a few days, but other than that, you're fine." The Doctor said. Chakotay nodded in the captain's direction as he eased himself off the biobed. "How is she?" The Doctor sighed and walked over to the console monitoring Janeway's condition. "I've got her stabilized for now, but I can't say anything until she wakes up." Chakotay nodded, his eyes never leaving Kathryn. Her long auburn hair was out of its usual corona on top of her head. Instead, it hung down her back, loose tendrils curling around her cheeks to frame her face. Her uniform still held evidence of the attack. It was scorched and torn. The cut on her face was healed, but blood still lingered there. The Doctor filled a hypospray and pressed against the captain's neck. A moment passed, then she stirred, first looking towards the biobed where Tuvok lay, and then up at Chakotay and the Doctor.  
  
Chakotay smiled kindly at her. "Captain."he said, infinitely pleased that she was alright. Kathryn sat up slowly, then put her hand to her head as the pain of her attack returned. The Doctor flipped open his tricorder and ran it over the captain's body. Janeway stared at Chakotay, confusion clouding her eyes. "You're on Voyager, captain. Your shuttle was attacked. You were with Tuvok.do you remember?" Janeway shook her head, glancing around Sickbay as if seeing it for the first time. She slid her legs over the biobed and stood weakly. Her legs failed her, and she fell against Chakotay, who caught her neatly and set her back on her feet. The Doctor stepped forward, brandishing his tricorder. "Captain, you are in no condition to leave!" Janeway stared at him and spoke for the first time. "I feel.fine." She said and headed for the door, with Chakotay close at her heels. The Doctor sighed. "I don't know what he is so worried about." He said to himself. "She seems normal to me."  
  
Chakotay slowed to match his pace with Kathryn's. "You need to stay in Sickbay Kathryn. You're not well." Kathryn stopped suddenly and regarded him with scrutiny. "I don't know who you are or who I am, but I am going to find a way off this ship." She said evenly. Chakotay stared at her in puzzlement. "Captain.?" Kathryn took up her pace again. "Stop calling me that! I'm not a captain." Chakotay stepped in front of her, cutting off her path. "Who are you then?" he asked. "Why do you think we beamed you aboard? You were on a mission with Tuvok and you were injured." Kathryn glared at him as she reached the turbolift. "You don't have any proof of that. I have no idea who you are." The doors opened and she peered inside, unsure of what to do next. Chakotay stepped inside beside her before the doors closed.  
  
"You know me Kathryn, and I do have proof. Let me show you." He begged. Kathryn regarded him, her face remaining unchanged. Then she nodded. Chakotay sighed with relief. "Deck two" he commanded the turbolift and it began to move, carrying them both to the proof Kathryn was seeking.  
  
Sorry thins was so short. I have a lot of homework I have to go back home soon. I'll update when I next have access to a computer. As usual, please read and review and I would like to thank Mary S. for submission of Kathryn's child's name for my other story. Taya it is! So.thanks for reading and I will update as soon as I can! 


	6. oh yeah

Memories Ch.6  
  
Disclaimer: sigh. . . do I still have to do these?. . . fine. . . I own nothing hear me! nothing!. . . but just wait. gahahhahahahahaha. . .woooo! evil side peeking thorough there. . . hehe pardon me!  
  
The turbolift hummed gently as it rose, the soft sound echoing through the silent chamber. Chakotay shifted his weight uneasily and made a small cough at the back of his throat. Kathryn turned her head to scrutinize him, but said nothing. "It never takes the turbolift this long." Chakotay thought to himself. He could still feel Kathryn's eyes boring holes into the side of his head, as if all evidence of her identity would leak through them. Chakotay glanced at her out of the corner of his eye and saw her snap her head back quickly the opposite way. A moment later, a soft curse was heard as the wound throbbed in response. Chakotay felt the faintest of smiles tug at his lips. The turbolift's hum ended and the doors slid open. Neither one of them moved until Chakotay made a wide, sweeping gesture with his arm to indicate "after you." Kathryn exited, quickly followed by Chakotay. "So. . . where exactly are we going?" Kathryn asked, breaking the tense silence between them. Chakotay continued walking. "We're going to my quarters. I have something you need to see." Kathryn's face did not change, but Chakotay could tell that she seemed a bit more at ease than she previously had.  
  
Chakotay and Kathryn stood in his quarters a moment later. Chakotay crossed the room and stopped in front of a large chest of drawers. Opening one, he began sifting through the contents until he found what he was looking for. Kathryn craned her neck, her curiosity overwhelming any thoughts of caution. Finally Chakotay returned, satisfied with his hoard of "proof". He sat on the edge of his bed and began to arrange the items into small groups. Kathryn stepped forward and picked up a small piece of wood. Its edges were smooth except for one place where it had split from its original structure. Chakotay glanced up to see what had drawn her eye and smiled. "New Earth." He said. Kathryn's eyebrows knitted in confusion. "What?" Chakotay sighed as the settled himself into a more comfortable position on the bed. "New Earth. It was the name of the planet we were stranded on four months ago. We had contracted a virus and couldn't leave the surface. That wood is from the bathtub I made you. You said baths were your favorite way to-" Kathryn cut him off. "Relax." She finished. Chakotay's eyes lit up. "Yes. That's right." He exclaimed. Kathryn settled herself at Chakotay's feet and replaced the wood for a small metal frame. Nestled inside was a 20th century style photograph of a collective group of people, each in the same type of uniform. "What's this?" Kathryn inquired. "Oh that. That's the crew photo we took after we'd been out here for a year." Kathryn studied the photo and the image of the crew, her crew smiled back.  
  
Kathryn set the photo down gently and picked up the final item. It was a small slip of paper that crinkled in her hands as she opened it. She glanced up at Chakotay, who now visibly refused to meet her eyes. When the paper was fully displayed, Kathryn saw that it had a poem written on it. Thinking of you keeps me awake.  
  
Dreaming of you keeps me asleep.  
  
Being with you keeps me alive.  
  
Kathryn stared at the crinkled sheet of paper long after she had finished reading the words written there. Images flew through her head at warp speed. A tall man with smiling eyes bending to pick up his little Goldenbird and fly her around the room. Standing alone of the endless stretch of ice watching her lover and her father sink beneath it . . . seeing the smiling face of Mark and a tongue-lolling Irish Setter rolling on the grass . . .looking up to see Chakotay's calm face looking serenely over New Earth. Kathryn looked up to Chakotay slowly. "We are friends." She said slowly. Chakotay stared at her. "Yes." He said heavily. "We are." A deep part of Chakotay's being begged him to yell that they were more than friends, but he said nothing. Kathryn returned his gaze and realization made her eyes widen. Chakotay looked around nervously, unsure of what to do next, but felt a cool hand on his cheek, turning his head to face her. Chakotay leaned forward slowly and the distance between them began to close. Their lips were an inch apart when the overhead comm. Sounded. "Commander" the Doctor said over the link. "Tuvok is awake."  
  
Sorry to do that to you!!! I hope everyone had a pleasant Christmas. I did. . . got lots of good ideas from Santa . . . lol. . . so I will try to finish this story this week and I will update everyday if I can. Only a couple more chapters to go! Okay the love poem came from a site called www.lovepoemsandquotes.com and was written by - Robyn Jorgensen because I was feeling too lazy to come up with something on my own. I have a friend signing on soon, so I hope you will read her too! I'll get her name once she gets one! Okay bye! -T 


	7. Resurfacing

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, it seems to own me. . .  
  
The organized, clean appearance of Sickbay struck Kathryn and Chakotay as soon as they stepped through the door and approached Tuvok's bed. His dark eyes were open but he lay still as the Doctor ran the medical tricorder over his body. Finally the Doctor spoke. "Lieutenant Tuvok seems to have recovered completely. I did not detect any trace of damage in his neural relays. He seems almost unaffected." Chakotay turned to Tuvok while Kathryn studied him carefully, her eyes roving over Tuvok's pointed ears. "Do you recall everything about the attack?" Chakotay asked. Tuvok's eyes narrowed as he seemed to think a second, then replied. "We were on the shuttlecraft searching for energy. . .we were attacked by a vessel. . ." Chakotay nodded. "Tuvok, did you happen to get the warp signature of the ship? Anything to tell us where they are now?" Tuvok's brow furrowed again. "I do not recall the warp signature of the vessel. However, it's hull was composed of an unusual material we have seen only once before. I may be able to trace the ship using that data."  
  
Chakotay turned to face the Doctor. "Is he ready to leave?" He inquired. The Doctor shrugged. "Medically speaking, he's in perfect health, but I would advise taking it easy for the next couple of days. His brain activity is still very unstable." Chakotay nodded wordlessly. "Tuvok, you're with me. I want you on the bridge scanning for any traces of that ship. Kathryn, I want you to stay in Sickbay. If Tuvok recovered, it's possible you may as well and we need the Doctor to monitor your progress." Kathryn nodded, but her face revealed her hesitance to taking orders.  
  
Three hours and one negative doctor's report later, and Chakotay had to admit, even to himself, that this seemed hopeless. A few leads had turned up, but it was nothing worth looking into. Chakotay was beginning to feel the strain of lack of sleep take its tool on his body. He honestly didn't know how Kathryn did it everyday. "Commander." Tuvok's matter-of-fact voice rang out to Chakotay. "What is it?" he replied tiredly. "Did you find something?" Tuvok shook his head. "No, but I have been assessing our situation. Logically, my memory alone cannot suffice in our search for answers." Tom looked up from his console. "What do you suggest we do?" He asked. Tuvok turned his blank stare on him, eyebrows raised. "I suggest I attempt a mindmeld with Captain Janeway. If I could see into her mind, I might be able to find what is blocking our attempts to resurrect her memories." Chakotay rubbed the tattoo on his face wearily. "You heard the Doctor just as well as I did. I'm not sure I'm ready to risk your mental health and the captain's on a "might." Are you sure this would work?" Tuvok nodded stoically. "I have complete faith in my mental capabilities Commander."  
  
Chakotay sighed as Tuvok left the bridge. It wasn't just a matter of faith. Tuvok blinked in the harsh light of Sickbay as he explained his theory to the Doctor. "You know my opinion on mindmelds. They have not been proven as medical-" "I did not ask for your opinion Doctor. I asked for your permission." The Doctor stared intensely at Tuvok and turned to face Captain Janeway. "It's her decision, not mine!" he yelled and walked briskly to his office, muttering something about insane medical treatments and the audacity of Vulcans. Tuvok approached Janeway's biobed to wake her. When she was awake, Tuvok explained his idea. "It is called a mindmeld, Captain." He said, after Janeway's blank stare told him very clearly that she didn't remember that either. "It is a telepathic connection between two minds that allows me to look into your thoughts and see what is hindering our attempts to revive your lost memories." Janeway crossed her arms. "What if I don't want you looking at my memories?" She questioned, one particular memory coming to mind. . .(heheheheh) Tuvok raised one eyebrow. "Captain, I assure you. Anything I find during the meld will remain a secret." Janeway pursed her lips. "And this will help me regain my memory. . ." Tuvok nodded. Janeway sighed heavily. "When can you start?  
  
A few hours of boring meditations later. . . "Clear your mind. Allow our thoughts to become one. We are one seamless mind, working in unison. There is nothing but our minds." Tuvok droned. Chakotay leaned against a wall with a sigh. The Doctor kept his eyes glued to his monitor, checking the neural readouts as they flew across the screen. Janeway fidgeted impatiently in her seat, but kept her eyes closed. Tuvok's voice stopped, but his eyes moved rapidly as sweat began to break out on his face. (Inside Janeway's head) Tuvok was running. He didn't know from what. All he knew was that he had to keep running or this fear in his stomach would consume him. Branches were ducked and undergrowth was trampled by the rampaging Vulcan as he continued to run, his heart(s)? Pumping. Ducking behind a large bush, Tuvok finally stopped to regain his breath. Instinct told him that there was something behind him, but his logical subconscious could not put an exact measure on it.  
  
Suddenly, the Vulcan's attuned ears picked up noise behind him. Whirling, he crouched into a fighting position, adrenaline pumping through his veins even as logic struggled to stay afloat. There stood a creature completely enveloped in blackness. Dark tendrils blew away from him and it soon mimicked Tuvok's position. Tuvok lunged, his hands striking areas on either side of the creature's neck. However, the creature remained unaffected and turned, a sudden roundhouse kick sent the Vulcan flying. The creature stepped forward until it loomed over Tuvok. Tuvok lay still until the creature bent, and then took the opportunity to strike by digging his fingers into a central nerve on its neck. The creature struggled briefly and then fell to the ground. (In Sickbay. . .) Janeway's eyes flew open as Tuvok broke the meld. Breathing hard from the shock, Janeway finally spoke. "I remember."  
  
Sorry to do that to you guys. I have only one chapter to go! Yeah! We just got a new computer and it is incompatible with fanfiction.net, so I have to install regular Word. I'll update as soon as I can. Please read and review as usual and thanks for all the reviews! -T 


	8. Endgame

For all those who have stood by this story and my sporadic updates due to real life issues, this chapter is for you. Thank you so very much.

Memories Ch. 8

Kathryn sat in the dark, pupils wide to accept the tiniest pinpoint of light. The mess was silent except for the gentle hum of the engines and the wet hiss of air through clenched teeth. Her hands tighten and relax periodically, but for the most part, she is still. She shed her uniform jacket and restrained hairstyle hours ago in favor of the short-sleeved blue undershirt and flowing locks. She sighs, a sound laden with obvious heartache.

She does not move when the doors open and he enters.

He steps gingerly, as if the slightest sound will shatter her reverie. She lets out another heavy breath and speaks his name. His broad shoulders relax a nanometer. The use of his name rather than the cool, crisp "Commander" indicates she wishes to talk and at this point, Chakotay is all too willing to listen.

"I have my full memory back, Chakotay."

Chakotay's gaze flickers slightly. Nervousness was a rare emotion for this man. With an almost inaudible groan, he sits next to her, all the while keeping a physical and mental distance between them. He could sense she didn't want to be touched at the moment, although he could think of nothing more than his desire to pull her into his arms and cradle her until her walls came crashing down again.

They sit in silence for a while, Chakotay gazing at Kathryn all the while. She turns her sharp stare on him until Chakotay had to fight the urge to flinch at the coldness in her eyes.

"We crossed lines we never even should have toed," came her soft voice.

"Do you regret it, Kathryn? Our kiss?"

Kathryn's mask never wavers. The walls Chakotay has been steadily tearing down are rebuilding themselves. Captain Janeway was returning and this comeback was threatening to smother Kathryn. Chaokay has long recognized that Kathryn and the Captain are two entirely separate people.

"Regret it?" she paused. "No...and yes. No, because it was something I dreamt about for a long time and yes because..." Her voice trailed off.

"And yes because Captains aren't allowed to dream."

She frowns slightly.

"Chakotay, that's not the way I can live my life. I can't be torn."

With this statement, all of Chakotay's reserves and common sense is whisked away from him.

"Damn it, Kathryn!"

He stands and moves in front of her, kneeling at her feet in an ironic image of subservient devotion.

"It is true. You are a captain and some unwritten rule book that I've never seen tells you that you have to throw away all of your hopes and dreams and become Starfleet's whipping boy!"

He is almost hissing now, voice rich with righteous anger.

"Every hope you ever had about settling down...raising a family...all of it is thrown out the window and replaced with Starfleet ideals! You deny yourself a life, Kathryn!"

He is breathing harder now, jaw set with determination and his hands are firmly planted on the arms of her chair, effectively eliminating her escape route.

"Are you finished?" She replies icily. Chakotay's face slackens. He is not used to this cold, impersonal side of Kathryn. When he doesn't reply, she takes the incentive.

"Chakotay, I was aware of the personal sacrifices I would have to make if I chose a captaincy. Believe me, not a day goes by when I don't wonder how things would be different if I had settled down, but I have no regrets."

He stares at her and wonders how many times she has told herself that to keep herself warm at night.

"None at all?"

Her face softens slightly, shedding the icy exterior and becoming Kathryn in so quick a motion, he is not sure he saw anything at all.

"You're a wonderful friend to me, Chakotay."

Chakotay can feel the beginning stirrings of anger in his chest. She is avoiding the point. Kathryn opens her mouth to speak again, but Chakotay motions for her silence. Still kneeling, he takes one of her hands in his, intertwining his fingers with hers as he spoke.

"I just want to tell you this. After I do, you can do whatever you see fit, but I have to tell you. I love you Kathryn. I loved you when we started working together. I love you even if it is against the Captain's code of honor."

With that, he leans in and with the utmost care, places a gentle kiss on her stern mouth. When he pulls back, he sees that her Captain's visage has been shed once again and she is simple, vulnerable Kathryn again. She stands slowly, placing their linked fingers over her heart. The look she gives him is almost too tender to bear quietly. Releasing his hand, she moves, kisses his cheek. Stepping backwards, her eyes never leaving his, he watches helplessly as her heart hardens again.

"Kathryn, don't do this." His voice is strangled. He had her!

He blinks and she is the rigid captain again. Wordless, she turns her back on him and strides towards the door, pausing in the open threshold.

"I expect your report on my desk at 1400 hours tomorrow."

With her back still turned, Chakotay can't see the tears swimming in her eyes. With luck, maybe he can't hear them in her voice as well.

"Kathryn, is this really what you want?" His voice holds promises of happiness, of a life better than the one she has now. She halts in the open door.

"It's all I have," she replies, her voice huskier than it had been a few moments ago.

Chakotay watches her leave. She was walking away from him again, ignoring their mutual passion and immersing herself in the worst kind of life for herself.

He frowns again and lowers his arms, still tense from their passionate exchange. He would show her a life beyond rules and regulations even if it took her the whole trip home to recognize it. He loved her far too much to watch her wither away behind her rank.

"It's all I have," she had said.

Chakotay moved to the door, leaving behind ghosts of what could be and a promise.

"No, Kathryn,"he murmured. "Not all."

-Fin-

I hope you all enjoyed that last chapter. Also, random note, if you are interested in joining a Star Trek RPG, the very same one that has been taking up a lot of my time, but is so worth it, I have a lot of spots open. Please email me at if you are interested. Thanks so much!


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